Time, Attention & Boundaries

Merlin Mann had a wonderful series up recently on making time for creativity. He makes many, many salient points. Although all of his points apply (check it out, it really is that good), one in particular really struck me as oh so appropriate for this particular rant.

“Embrace the disingenuous charge of elitism (or, as I prefer to call it, maturity) by not pretending that everyone is equally “special” to you. …Widen the channels to the people you adore, and never make them suffer [because of] your weird compulsion to wave at strangers.”

Yeah! Exactly! What he said!

At some level this should be a no-brainer. But I often find myself in situations where almost complete strangers demand more of my time and attention than I would actually tolerate from the people I love. Sometimes, they are not complete strangers, but because of the lack of a real and meaningful connection, they come very close to it.

To put it bluntly, I do not have sufficient time in my life to respond to everyone and everything that is screaming for attention. So I prioritize. I am more likely to respond favorably to requests for my time depending on the nature of the request and the level of our prior relationship. Seems pretty simple and straightforward to me.

A few examples might be helpful.

• Scenario 1: A person who has served with me in working groups, teaching teams and conference style discussion panels, calls and asks if I could offer her some career advice. We have a shared history and a friendly relationship. I respond warmly to this request.
• Scenario 2: A person who has taken a few of my classes sends me an email asking me for recommendations for further studies in a specific area. I remember him as a curious but committed student. I search through my referral lists and respond with suggestions.
• Scenario 3: One of my full-time students has an emergency and calls me for support. I cancel what I can of my plans and respond accordingly.
• Scenario 4: A person new to the DC area emails me asking for suggestions for getting involved in the local pagan community. I send him my standard email with helpful links to local sources of info and contact.
• Scenario 5: A community member writes to me and asks when I plan to teach a particular class again. I send them what I know of my upcoming offerings and reassure them of any future plans in that area.
• Scenario 6: A person writes to me asking me to teach/speak/attend an upcoming event. I check my schedule for availability and respond accordingly with either regrets or further questions.
• Scenario 7: A friend or colleague writes to me asking me to teach/speak/attend an upcoming event. I check my schedule for availability (possibly rearranging what I can) and respond accordingly with either regrets or further questions.

What these scenarios have in common is that the nature of the request is inline with the nature of our relationship.

But in contrast, consider the following scenarios.

• Scenario A: A stranger writes to me asking me to be their priestess/teacher/mentor/whatever. If I do not get an “uncomfortable” vibe from the note, I send them a link to Reflections, Connect DC, my standard spiritual counseling/consulting services list, and, if they mention being local, the standard email with helpful links.
• Scenario B: A community member writes to me asking me to be their priestess/teacher/mentor/whatever. I assume they are aware of my classes, rituals and mystery school.
  1. So if they have attended any of my classes or rituals, I might suggest they consider joining my mystery school. But I also check my calendar and if I can, I offer them a time for a phone chat or and in person meeting to discuss it further.
  2. But if they have not attended ANY (to my knowledge) of my local offerings, I send them my standard spiritual counseling/consulting services list.

And it is this last bit that recently bothered a member of my local community. Both scenario A and B-2 represent requests not in line with the nature of our current relationship. And because of that, I am less inclined to either make time in my already full schedule or offer one-on-one face time w/o some form of payment.

When I reach out to others, I try to be careful when asking for some of their precious time. For example, I am really happy with my current medical doctor, chiropractor, intuitive healer and massage therapist. And I have a warm relationship with every single one of them. But I would not dare just call them up and ask for some of their time without expecting to pay them.

I also have several very close friends who are fairly well known, extremely talented and even busier than I am. And even knowing that they *love* me, I am very careful with taking up too much of their time.

Hell, even in my family we ask, “Is this a good time?” when we call.

I don’t know. Maybe I *could* be a bit more accessible. But then I ask you this? What do I drop to make this a reality? Do I drop the time I dedicate to my full time students and initiates? Do I drop the time I set aside to check in with my colleagues and elders? Do I drop the time I set aside for teaching, counseling and writing? Do I drop the time I set aside for self-care and self-nurturing? Do I drop my business or my plethora of medical appointments? Or do I cease the methodologies and processes that allow me to continue to work while facing several long-term chronic illnesses? Because dropping something currently on my plate is what I would have to do to be more accessible.

The bottom line is this … I am not trying to be elitist or arrogant. I am trying to make sense of an already very full life that has several real physical and energetic limits. So I am truly sorry if the person from B-2 above was disappointed.^{Note 1.} But your potential or very real disappointment is not my metric in deciding how to manage my life.

In my mission statement, I state the following.

My mission is …
To share my gifts.
To actively participate in my own evolution.
To acknowledge divine mystery.
To experience the joy, sweetness and beauty of life.
To be willing to touch and be touched by the journeys of my loved ones.
To be grounded in the present moment with an open heart and mind.
To engage in radical self care.

This is my metric. And this … is my boundary.

Katrina

1. To be truthful, I did offer a free phone call for us to discuss exactly what she was looking for from me. But I suspect that because I listed my prices for spiritual counseling and consults, she was disinclined to go further.

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Spinning Down & Deep

Here I sit, listening to Sanskrit chants, burning incense, cuddling with my calico and sipping tea .. my version of a graceful return.

Between the Worlds was incredibly rich and diverse as usual. But this year especially, I came away hungry for more time with my sisters on the path. Spending time with Aeptha, Thorn, Macha, Elspeth, Helena, Lyrtah, Judy, Mambo Vye Zo, and of course the incredible Shakmah Windrum, I became keenly aware of how much these women feed my soul.

Many, many times as I crossed Aeptha's path we exchanged that look of just incredible love and exuberance. And Thorn and I could not stop just hugging each other. I get to hang out with my brothers on the path far more often. The men of the daddy enclave, as Thorn calls the priests of Seelie Court, are often just a phone call away.

But it is the women, even those of us who live within hours of each other, that seldom get to talk in real time.

We must change this. Thorn and I made a commitment this year to keep in touch and it has worked for the most part even when our lives were crazed. I think I need to make that same level of commitment to keep up with my others sisters as well.

Because ... it feeds *me*.

And if that is not radical self care ... I do not know what is.

Love and blessings to you all,
Katrina

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Natural Wonder

Reposted in honor of Blog Action Day

Wonder:
- One that arouses awe, astonishment, surprise, or admiration.
- The emotion aroused by something awe-inspiring, astounding, or marvelous

Looking at sunsets taught me about the many ways to mix purple and orange. Clouds taught me about diversity in the midst of sameness. Flowers taught me to live for each moment of beauty. And trees taught me about honoring the ancient. As a child I was a student of nature. I would spend hours in the woods surrounding my neighborhood. Digging up secret treasures, climbing over and through American history, laying at the lap of ancient mysteries, and losing myself gazing into the skies. I was a child of wonder.

My perfect vacation is a trip to the mountains. Climbing through old growth, sitting on exposed roots, watching the night sky and meditating on the morning mist. The first time I saw the wound of a clear cut I cried, I fainted my first visit to Mt Hood, I became dizzy at the sight of a star filled sky in southern Maryland, and breathless to a full moon on a clear night in the Atlantic ocean. I am also an adult of wonder.

But as I drive past strip mall after strip mall on my way to the mountains, as I see farms replaced by suburban sprawl, as historic sites are laid waste to over development, I am also quite angry. I often say how I hate northern Virginia but I seldom say why. I think central and southern Virginia are quite beautiful, but the overdevelopment of the northern areas is an abomination in my humble opinion. Now even Maryland is falling prey to the same infirmity. I swear that I cannot tell by train anymore where Baltimore ends and DC begins. The open spaces are disappearing.

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Radical Self Care

Over the last few months, I have been struggling with my ever-increasing need to care for myself. Of course I have always had to deal with self-care, as middle-aged single woman, it is my primary responsibility. I, like most adults, pay bills, wash laundry, take out the trash, clean out the litter box and file my taxes. But as of late I have discovered totally new levels of self-care that were previously unknown to me.

I feel like I have taken on a new full-time job called radical self-care. I have so many medical, massage and physical therapy appointments. I have several yoga, exercise, stretching and walking sessions each week. Plus I have been doing a lot more food buying and home cooking as well as regularly testing my blood sugar and tracking my food intake.

During this same time, I have also focused on taking care of my home, my finances and my businesses. I feel totally inundated with the element of Earth, which for an Air person feels positively maddening.

I want so much to escape, to fly away, to get above it all. I keep sketching out ways to make sense of all this sensate activity, trying to find a way to “get a handle” on it all. And I am losing the battle. I feel out of my element both literally and figuratively.

Enough already with all this Earth!

But I cannot make it go away. I find myself going to bed exhausted earlier and earlier, and waking up earlier and earlier. I am still not a morning person, but egads, I am now awake by 7am without an alarm most mornings. This fact alone is alarming to me!

And if that were not enough, I am also, dare I say it, making some headway toward some fundamental healing in my legs and hips. I cannot reverse the arthritis, but I am regaining some movement in areas I thought were damaged beyond repair.

But all this movement and self-nurturing comes at a price. I cannot over-commit anymore. I cannot go more than a few days without needing time off to relax and recuperate. I cannot go without eating a nutritious meal at least four times a day. I need 8 to 9 hours of sleep a night. I have to move my body daily to maintain the progress I have made physically. And I have to set boundaries with friends, colleagues and students to make sure I have the time not only to keep my commitments but also to take time out just for my own needs and interests.

In short, this focus on earth has made me grow up and start acting like a self-respecting adult. And you have no idea how irritating that is for me. So tonight, I have a plan. I am going to throw caution to the wind, and I am going to take some time out for me to just be a kid. I am going to watch TV, play games, cuddle with my calico and stick my tongue out at the whole world. Yeah, I am going to focus on what I want and do things that just make me happy. And I will be taking care of my inner child and giving her the best night she has had in a long time.

Oh wait, that is just another way to engage in self-care. Crap! See what I mean? This radical self-care is insidious! Sigh …

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