How To Read A Rational Urban Warrior Woman

So okay, first off, there is a high probability that most of you have misread the title to this post. Oh, you probably read the urban, warrior and woman part just fine … for the most part. But the word “Rational” does not mean what you think it does. In the David Keirsey personality type system, I am classified as a Rational(NT) as opposed to an Idealist(NF), a Guardian(SJ) or an Artisan(SP). So it is not about me being reasonable, logical or even emotionless. And it is that last part that is most confusing for folks. I express plenty of emotions thank you very much, I just express them differently from other folks.

Folks who have a “NT” in their designation of a Myers-Briggs type are called Rationals because that is the name given by Dr Keirsey based on Plato’s designations. And despite the bad press about us taking over the world, we represent less than 3%-10% of the US population on average. We are often thought of as the techno geeks and sci-fi enthusiasts of film and literature. The truth is that we tend to dominate in certain fields because we find others like ourselves already there. And given how few of us there are in this country, it is a fair assumption that elsewhere we are desperately alone. It is sadly the same for Idealists, and I suspect they use to make up most of the alternative communities nationally, i.e. alternative medicine, spiritualities, etc. As certain activities become more mainstream Rationals and Idealists slowly became minorities in the very communities and industries they originated.

So much for the history lesson …

I am writing this particular post to explain how Rational women are usually misunderstood in terms of emotion. I express pretty deep emotional truths in my writings. Often folks will approach me after one such emotionally tinged post and are surprised to see me looking pretty much the way I normally look. I sometimes wonder if they are expecting to see me sobbing openly and wandering around with only one shoe -- not that there is anything wrong with that image. On the surface, nothing appears to have changed about my demeanor. The difference is that if you really look in to my eyes, you will see my pain, suffering and deep emotion. It is not stoicism, or some self-delusion about carrying on in spite of it all. I truly believe stating that I am in pain is sufficient and I find it insulting to have to put on an act to “prove it” to anyone. Many introverted Rationals express their emotions quietly, self-contained and with restraint … until it needs to be shouted to be heard.

And that is when the “Urban & Warrior” parts kick in for me. If I have to shout about my pain in order to be heard, you will hear it in my native tongue.

So let’s summarize, shall we … I express myself deeply when I write. The emotions are real and deeply felt. I will not always explicitly exhibit the extent of my emotional state, but it is there to see if you look into my eyes. If I ever have to prove it to you … back up a bit for your own safety.

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Wilma Mankiller RIP

Today, I am grieving. I just read that Former Cherokee Nation Chief Wilma Mankiller has died and now I am in mourning.

And although I had never met her, I was/am deeply proud of Wilma Mankiller. As the first woman to lead the Cherokee Nation, it was exciting and deeply satisfying that she was also a strong feminist.

She resembled my mother in many ways, especially her younger photos. I used to wonder if my mother would have turned out like her if she had been allowed to grow up in her own culture. I loved to read her words, hear her speak and gaze at her photos. It was as if my mother was still alive and was still able to impact this world in the flesh.

And I confess that I loved her family name. I wondered what our family name had been. I use to pretend in my fantasies that we were related somehow. But truthfully, my mother was from the eastern band.

I sit here with tears in my eyes, because like my mother, I had felt safer with her in the world than I do now ... without her.

I am so sorry she spent so much of her later life ill, a trait she shared with my mother. And they both died so incredibly young -- Mankiller at 64, my mother at 59. It is maddening how often this happens for Native American women ... especially the strong ones.

I want to scream ... and tear at my hair ... and go burn something the fuck down! I am so angry ... and hurt.

Why do *we* die so quickly when all the terrible fucks live on and on ...

I know ... I know ... there is no answer ... only pain and grief.

Wilma Mankiller .. Rest in peace ... What is remembered lives ...

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Snapshots May 09

I have a lot going on in my life as of late so it has been difficult to sit down and write.

But no, that is not wholly true.

It is difficult to compose, not write. I am having difficulties with my thought processes, so although I can think about complex topics and pontificate on them endlessly to anyone unlucky silly enough to come into my orbit, I cannot take these thoughts and coherently reproduce them effectively on the page.

I also get how that last paragraph seems to contradict itself.

But the thoughts I want share are way too cool and way too deep to just be thrown onto the page. So they will have to wait till I can untangle the rat’s nest settling into my mind at the moment. It is partially due to the medication I am on. I have been on low dose prednisone for about a week, which is probably the source of the following irritations. There is a long story that goes along with this, so I will save it till I can write it out to my satisfaction.

So instead I offer you a few choice rants from my life at the moment.

1. My accountant and I had a humorous conversation this morning about how last year a man who had never met me before had somehow determined that I needed advice on what computer to buy. As I was leaving her inner office, I was asking her about any special tax considerations that would make it preferable to buy a new laptop in 2008 instead of waiting till 2009. So it was a tax question, not a technical question. She had responded that I should buy it in 2008. She asked if I wanted to take her copy of Consumer Reports to figure out what I needed and I said no thanks since I was planning to buy another Mac Pro laptop.

   And that is when this complete stranger began telling me all these reasons why I should not buy a Mac. At first I just stared at him as he went on and on, then I said I was familiar with computers and had made up my mind. That is when it became really strange. Lets just say, I ended the conversation abruptly by flipping open the magazine and displaying how Consumer Reports agreed with me and brusquely left.

   This year, I shared with my accountant just how outrageous it had felt to me at the time. She was unaware of the details of my career as a telecommunications engineer, hardware engineer, system designer, smart phone technologies researcher and national expert, international video/caching/gateway/multicast protocol standards expert and internet architect. I became a web designer because I thought it would be fun to work with the easy stuff for a change. I still laugh at how Starhawk keeps referring to me as a software engineer. I used that title back when folks could not figure out what I did for a living as an electrical engineer.

   I bring this up because yesterday Rose looked me straight in the eyes and asked me sarcastically if anyone had ever told me that I was a geek. I at first laughed very hard. She made the comment because Amazon had sent me an email listing all these mathematical books that were on sale and I was checking them out with interest. But then I stopped and thought about it. No, actually most people have no idea just how much of a geek I really am. That is why I usually have to bring it up. I am frankly tired of being a stealth geek. I want folks to know that this is what a geek looks like. I think maybe I need to make a T-shirt or at least a button.

   Then I read Wil Wheaton’s critical comments concerning a web campaign to enhance the perception of geeks. And I have to agree with him with one caveat. I was always the cool one, I was always the tough one AND I have always been a geek. So like him, I completely resent the implication that we need anyone else’s approval but I also feel that being a geek is not mutually exclusive with being a bad ass. Just saying …

2. I have also never liked how the media continually portrays black inner city culture. I get how contemporary culture is defined more by what is “in” with young people rather than say us fifty-year-olds. But give me a break. I grew up in the ghetto, ran with gangs, been in a few fights and even use to carry a gun. But the entire time I used complete sentences, wore clothes that fit, did my homework, showed up for work and school on time and paid my bills. I am mentioning this not to assail the so-called unruly youth but to stop folks my age from acting like complete idiots in an attempt to pretend they are young again. If I see one more adult male over the age of forty wearing baggy pants and talking like a rapper, I may have reached back to *my* youth and stomp his ass. Just saying …
3. My last issue is with my hair. I keep holding off coloring it because without the grey all kinds of people seem to want to write me off. So let me just say this last bit as a public service for the majority culture – you know who you are.

   Different people age differently. Many women of color look much, much younger than their white counterparts. Do not assume that I am appreciably younger than you. You can tell how old we are by noting several clues. Clothes, mannerisms and language are what we use to determine who is the elder in a situation. Notice who the black people are holding doors open for and follow suit. I know it is subtle, but we have spent our entire lives learning all about you, now it is your turn. Again, just saying …

/ rant

Man, these pills are making me feel more than a little bitchy. Hopefully I will be back to my normal eloquence and harmonious mood sooner rather than later. Hope, hope, hope …

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ERA: The Time Is Now

With all of these disheartening results coming in from the proposition fights, I think the time is ripe to revive our fight for the Equal Rights Amendment. Only a change at the federal level can turn back these horrendous laws. Fighting state by state to stop and/or overturn these initiatives is an energy and money drainer that returns every two to four years.

And this time we need to stop it from being crippled by limiting timetables. We have the next four (some say eight) years to move it through congress and into the states. There are states that have already passed it so we can build on the wins of this campaign and quickly move our energies toward the states needed for ratitification.

I believe same sex marriage and the right of GLBT folks to adopt can be insured by the adoption of the ERA. I am willing to listen if someone can prove to me that I am wrong in my analysis.

Let’s do it right this time. Yes we can!

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