The next morning, I fell ill. As I lay there racked with pain and torment, I could hear my medical-intuitive's voice calling me to be present. Calling me to not disassociate from the pain. And so the tears swelled and I cried out for my mother; I cried out for the gods. I even accepted human assistance and allowed this gentle, nurturing woman to actually tend me and offer me comfort. I was both humbled and honored by her loving kindness and mercy.
Even now, I am staying as long as I can in the here and now and in my body, while also recognizing that there is nothing wrong with my true nature either. I am not seeking to change what I am; I am a driven, strong willed, intellectually curious woman. But I can slow this human vehicle down some. I can abide by speed limits; even install some traffic lights as necessary. And one-way to slow down is to open my heart, open my Yin and open my perpetual fetal.
And so I am crafting a new pattern for myself; one where slowing down happens first. Slow down before I begin my day. Instead of crafting a strict regimen unrelated to how my body feels or the level of my energy, I began each day opening the perpetual fetal in whichever manner makes sense to my body. One day I may do yoga restoratives, while another day I may massage my painful Yin nodes. Some mornings I will do both. And then I follow the wisdom of my body moving into asanas as I feel called till I retreat into the calm of simply breathing. At some point I will sit for a while in whatever position calls to me, half lotus, in a chair or reclining on the sofa. And then begins the next phase, deep meditation and self-reflection. I will allow my mind to at times wander a bit before calling her gently back. Ending with journaling and quiet stillness. Beginning each day with an uncoiling of the serpent, a releasing of any pent-up anxiety or rage. I leave others to train their will, me, I need to learn the art of release.
I am hoping to develop a touchstone of stillness that I can use whenever I feel like I am speeding again. I had actually begun this work the day I fell ill. Today I begin again.
And today, just as I ended my practice, I opened the mail to discover I had received an automatic speeding ticket. The irony was not lost on me as I quietly chuckled. The Yin meridians flow from earth to sky. This letter was a message from the deep rich soil of my flesh to the bright airy realms of my mind. "Slow down or else."
Message received. I am willing to listen. I am opening. Please teach me.
2006©Katrina Messenger
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This reminded me of something I wrote a few months ago: http://eoma-p.livejournal.com/36134.html
Could be the start of a fun adventure - whatever words you find that fit you best, may you be blessed for it!
Wish I could be there. Very well spoken.
Katrina,
I wish you all the blessings and power you need on your journey. Thank you for these words. It is good to remember that returning to work (and thus returning to grace) bring a chance for us all to rest and have joy.
Wishing you joy in the Work.
David
Dear Katrina- Thorn reposted your blog and happy am I. Your passion, always so immense, comes blowing out in these words. So akin to my own heart and soul that it makes me have a bittersweet smile.
The Storm is only now coming to the edges of our universe and yet it will sweep and consume all that is. In the end, our beautiful universe will be so much...more? Different? Complete? Who knows?
All I do know is my soul came here to witness and be part in this period. I cannot shrink from the work. I am here with you, fae sister!
Thought-provoking piece, Katrina. Thanks.
I don't know what to call myself either. In Pagandom, I've taken to referring to myself as a Witch at Large. In the interfaith world where I'm active, I call myself a Pagan. Sometimes I call myself an uppity woman or a Second Wave Feminist. I've never really thought to publicly identify myself by my sexuality, het woman, which is very "white bread" and old-fashioned. Not only het, but serially monogamous for the most part. It seems almost a liability these days to say you're het, but I am proudly and happily so. I tend towards intellectualism but only have a BA, which doesn't carry much weight, at least in public and professional worlds, no matter how much you've studied, trained, and can articulate, even teach.
My biological heritage is Irish, Dutch, French Huguenot, Euro-mongrel. My social heritage is Roman Catholic on one side and conservative Methodist, temperance-crusading, women's rights and education on the other, with distinct East Coast sensibilities, now mellowed by more than half a century living on the Left Coast. My maternal political heritage is conservative Republican (altho what my relatives might think of current trends in the GOP I cannot imagine, since they did have brains and they did think and they did have a social conscience), yet I am much farther left in my outlook than any elected official I know. My paternal political heritage is blue collar Democratic, except that my dad broke with his family on politics and allied with my mother's family's conservatism.
I'm a former hippie, a home-birth advocate, a home death and green burial advocate, an opponent of capital punishment and resorting to warfare to resolve humankind's differences. I support the right to conscious self-deliverance. I rejoice in any and all consensual expressions of love and eros. I'm a lover and a mom.
I have never missed voting in an election and I disrespect those who don't avail themselves of this hard-won right. (I have ancestors who fought the Brits in the American Revolution.) I support workers' rights. I recognize our interdependence on this planet, so could be called a greenie. I'm a committed environmentalist in my day-to-day life (in terms of eating locally grown food, expanding public transit, recycling, preserving open space and wildlife, opposing exploitation of natural resources [strip mining, oil-drilling, nuclear facilities, agribusiness, monocultures, clear-cutting timber, overuse of pesticides, genetic modification, etc.]) I want to make the city streets "safe for dancing," as my old friend Tony Serra said when he ran for mayor of SF on the Platypus Party ticket.
Well, you got me going there, my friend. Thought-provoking read, as I said. ;-)
xo,
Macha