This is part two of an exploration into how I navigated a recent difficult period. The first in this series is, Distorted Nostalgia.
So the next morning, I decide to skip yoga class, but not the yoga.
… on the mat …
During savasana ... day dreams about someone setting the monastery on fire. I kept trying to get out but every exit is blocked. Then I wake up to discover that someone had rigged it so that the monastery catches fire. So I go around disarming the devices, turning off the gas and carefully opening all the windows to let the gas out safely.
I kept asking, “Why would someone set fire to the monastery?” And I hear the sound of screeching brakes … wrong question. “Who is setting the fires?” Oh yeah, me – I am setting the fires.
… deep breath, adjust my body …
And now I am in a yoga class in the studio. A woman loses her balance and begins to fall. I jump up and catch her before she slams into a wall. She is not grateful, she is angry. “Let me go”, she shouts at me. And I respond, “No problem, just stand up first so you can regain your balance before I let go.”
Again, I ask, “Who is out of balance?” And the answer is the same, “I am out of balance.”
…I wiggle my fingers and toes, slowly turning on my right side then slowly sit up …breathing deeply,
I begin my metta prayer. “May I be healthy …” I remember yesterday’s message about my fire needing balancing with water. I make a mental note "Today will be a water day." I hear protest from my fire side, "Yesterday was a water day dammit!”
Good point. “Today will begin as a water day.” Which for me means taking things slowly. I mentally add laundry and dish washing to the morning chores. Later I will pay bills and go through the mail.
“Okay?” Blessed silence … okay, time for breakfast.
The next morning … from my journal …
…dreams … of this young woman who seems in a hurry to experience the joys of life. It is hinted that it is because she has not long to live. So she rushes to marry the man of her dreams so she can be sure to experience the bliss of her wedding night. It is also hinted that it is a family curse that can only be broken by experiencing true love, multiple orgasms and real happiness.
I had been up past midnight the night before trying to solve one of the design problems. I hug myself wondering, “How am I going to get all of this done?”
I ignore the dream … I am truly scattered and worried all day.
Next, a revelation … of sorts.
Posted in
Submitted by katrina on Sun, 07/20/2008 - 1:48pm.
Wish I could be there. Very well spoken.
Katrina,
I wish you all the blessings and power you need on your journey. Thank you for these words. It is good to remember that returning to work (and thus returning to grace) bring a chance for us all to rest and have joy.
Wishing you joy in the Work.
David
Dear Katrina- Thorn reposted your blog and happy am I. Your passion, always so immense, comes blowing out in these words. So akin to my own heart and soul that it makes me have a bittersweet smile.
The Storm is only now coming to the edges of our universe and yet it will sweep and consume all that is. In the end, our beautiful universe will be so much...more? Different? Complete? Who knows?
All I do know is my soul came here to witness and be part in this period. I cannot shrink from the work. I am here with you, fae sister!
Thought-provoking piece, Katrina. Thanks.
I don't know what to call myself either. In Pagandom, I've taken to referring to myself as a Witch at Large. In the interfaith world where I'm active, I call myself a Pagan. Sometimes I call myself an uppity woman or a Second Wave Feminist. I've never really thought to publicly identify myself by my sexuality, het woman, which is very "white bread" and old-fashioned. Not only het, but serially monogamous for the most part. It seems almost a liability these days to say you're het, but I am proudly and happily so. I tend towards intellectualism but only have a BA, which doesn't carry much weight, at least in public and professional worlds, no matter how much you've studied, trained, and can articulate, even teach.
My biological heritage is Irish, Dutch, French Huguenot, Euro-mongrel. My social heritage is Roman Catholic on one side and conservative Methodist, temperance-crusading, women's rights and education on the other, with distinct East Coast sensibilities, now mellowed by more than half a century living on the Left Coast. My maternal political heritage is conservative Republican (altho what my relatives might think of current trends in the GOP I cannot imagine, since they did have brains and they did think and they did have a social conscience), yet I am much farther left in my outlook than any elected official I know. My paternal political heritage is blue collar Democratic, except that my dad broke with his family on politics and allied with my mother's family's conservatism.
I'm a former hippie, a home-birth advocate, a home death and green burial advocate, an opponent of capital punishment and resorting to warfare to resolve humankind's differences. I support the right to conscious self-deliverance. I rejoice in any and all consensual expressions of love and eros. I'm a lover and a mom.
I have never missed voting in an election and I disrespect those who don't avail themselves of this hard-won right. (I have ancestors who fought the Brits in the American Revolution.) I support workers' rights. I recognize our interdependence on this planet, so could be called a greenie. I'm a committed environmentalist in my day-to-day life (in terms of eating locally grown food, expanding public transit, recycling, preserving open space and wildlife, opposing exploitation of natural resources [strip mining, oil-drilling, nuclear facilities, agribusiness, monocultures, clear-cutting timber, overuse of pesticides, genetic modification, etc.]) I want to make the city streets "safe for dancing," as my old friend Tony Serra said when he ran for mayor of SF on the Platypus Party ticket.
Well, you got me going there, my friend. Thought-provoking read, as I said. ;-)
xo,
Macha
Lovely azaleas!
[cough][gag][snort][sneeze]
Just lovely...
I know what you mean.
I feel you. There is too much bs- particularly when people decide that their temperament is tantamount to truthful and ignore everyone else.
I get irked by immature extroverts or closet introverts who ignore you REPEATEDLY and then pretend you're out of line for being upset by the time they can't pretend you didn't say anything anymore. I find that the same people will ignore you if you blow up right away, too, and that it's because they just don't think that honoring what you value is important to maintaining a relationship, or even worse: that you don't know what you value at all and that it's all a mind game for their pleasure or annoyance. Then they call you passive-aggressive, aggressive, moody, touchy and temperamental. I call them "not listening".