Buying a Vowel

My brother called me late last night. And although he said initially that nothing was the matter, he then proceeded to tell me just how hard his life has become lately. He seemed surprised that he was admitting this all to me on Thanksgiving just minutes before midnight.

And he laughed the entire phone call.

He said with what he was up against, that crying was not an option. His words seared into my heart and by the end of the call I too found myself laughing. And when he eventually hung up, I too found it impossible to cry, I was so heart sick, I was past tears.

I wandered blindly around my kitchen compulsively reaching for food till it hit me. The reason my brother called me minutes before midnight on Thanksgiving … is because I am the only person who he can tell the truth about his life. And at the moment, his life is fucking impossible. And that brought me back to brink of tears again, only much, much deeper. I fell asleep finally on the verge of sobbing.

This morning as I lay in bed, I thought about all the people in my life where crying is not an option at the moment. There is too much coming at them and it looks like it is starting to speed up. My brother is facing heart stopping stress, backbreaking work and utter exhaustion to hold off complete financial ruin … and he is losing the fight. My friend K is facing a life threatening illness with very slim chances of fending off having to make a terminal choice. And my friend S just buried her father and has to fly home to the west coast while leaving her grieving mother on the east coast. And then there are the myriad of friends facing hard choices about what to do with their ailing parents who increasingly need almost constant care.

Everywhere I look, I see loved ones facing some very hard choices and looking desperately for some new options, some alternatives to what seems like impossible choices.

And so today ... For my brother, my friends, and people suffering everywhere who may feel sometimes that crying is not an option … I pray to the gods. I pray that the tightness loosen, and that the rough areas recede. I pray for sweetness and joy to fill their lungs and heart in whatever way brings them some respite. I pray for concrete answers to desperate prayers. I pray for forgiveness and resolution. I pray for compassion and miracles. I pray for lightness and real laughter that eases away despair. I pray for divine intervention and love. I pray for second chances and fool’s luck.

Today, I pray that in this hard, hard world of constriction, restriction and limits, that my tears, my real and welcomed tears on their behalf, will give them what they need to buy a vowel.

Posted in

Submitted by katrina on Fri, 11/23/2007 - 10:46am.

Sylvia (not verified) | Sun, 11/25/2007 - 5:02pm

Just want to thank you for sharing your deepest heartfelt trials and tribulations...I don't have much to say other than thank you for keeping on, being strong for yourself and others even 2 years after Katrina...I live in Boston but spent a year in NO at Dillard..It was only recently (last month) that I found someone close to me that I didnt know the where abouts of ...He is well but my heart and prayers go out to all of the Gulf Coast and what they continue to endure...My heart has never been so heavy and so ashamed of this country, other than slavery of course....

Rather than go on with never ending emotions...I will say I know of an organizaiton that has been to Mississippi to assist teachers/after school staff in dealing with the children's trauma after Katrina. They are called Project Joy. I do not work for them but attended a Leadership Institute course entitled "Resiliency, Behavior Management and Mental Health in After School Programs" in which the founder, Steve Gross was one of the presenters.
While I was intitially VERY impressed with him and his new organization, it wasn't until I attended one of his recent trainings that I truly saw the profound, life changing methodologies they embrace in relation to healthy child development but more importantly, how to deal with children that have endured overwhelming trauma.

As someone that still works in the Out of School time field, I can state with confidence, they truly know what they are doing...They are amazing and life changing! I hope you check out their web site : Projectjoy.com....They are powerful...

I wish you all the best as that whole region is in many people's prayers, even 2 years later....I just wish I could do more....

God bless. Keep your faith...Thank you for sharing...Is your name really Katrina?????

: )

Love and hope coming at ya! - S. Jackson of Boston!

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Reya Mellicker (not verified) | Wed, 11/28/2007 - 8:25pm

I'm so sorry to hear this sad news, Katrina. Much love, warmth and strong energy is headed in your direction.

Thank you for shedding the tears he can't. Thank you.

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