WTF!

Man! Am I in a foul mood.

I cannot quite put my finger on it, but t has been building for quite awhile. I woke up today, in the dark and realized it was not the middle of the night.

Freakin idiots! Messing with when the clocks get turned back! What on earth were they THINKING anyway?

And it only got worse as the day wore on.

My freaking laptop is acting up again. Freaking Drupal has yet another freaking security update. Drak is upgrading the servers that host all my freakin web sites. I cannot find the stupid pictures I sent to my freakin Verizon Wireless online gallery. The freakin sink is filled with dirty dishes. My insurance is refusing to pay the freakin bill for my PET scan.

... And my best friend is very sick. My coven sister had to go back to Ohio because her uncle died. My former coven sister is watching her father die. One of my students is ill. And I disappointed a dear friend by taking back a promise I made.

And ... crap crap crap craptastic!

All these people I love in a huge amount of pain ... and all I got to offer is a bad mood. So freaking pitiful.

Sometimes, I just want to freaking yell, "Just what the hell do you want from me anyway?" at the top of my lungs.

But all I do is sit on the edge of my sofa, chew on my lower lip, and furrow my brow.

And then I remembered something my healer/elder once said to me. She talked about how she would call up her mentor whenever she was in a bad mood. And how he would let her rant, rave and whine. He would encourage her to be as cranky, illogical and fussy as she wanted to be. And how he loved her for it. He would love her so much ... she would feel less and less cranky... till she felt better.

I wonder who I can call and be cranky with ... and whether this person would love me in all my fussiness, pettiness and poutiness (yeah I made the word up -- what of it?). And I can honestly say ... I dunno ...

And then I remembered ... I can write it out here. And ... and ... I can say freaking instead of what I usually say and folks would get it.

And I can whine, rant, rave ... till I felt better ... or at least different.

And now, I am sad. But it is the kind of sad that makes sense to me. I know why I am sad. Come to think of it ... that is a whole lot better.

So thanks for listening ...

Posted in

Submitted by katrina on Fri, 10/19/2007 - 3:10pm.

Angela (not verified) | Thu, 10/25/2007 - 10:49am

Anytime.

**hugs**

»

Anonymous (not verified) | Fri, 10/19/2007 - 4:41pm

... For as much love as you give yourself, We will always give you three times as much ...We love you, We love you, We love you ... -the Universe

»

Hecate Demetersdatter, Runnymeade Conspirator (not verified) | Fri, 10/19/2007 - 8:18pm

Retrograde Mercury. Just sayin'.

»

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Recent comments

  • Claire-Marie Le Normond (not verified)

    Wish I could be there. Very well spoken.

    15 weeks 2 days ago
  • David Salisbury (not verified)

    Katrina,
    I wish you all the blessings and power you need on your journey. Thank you for these words. It is good to remember that returning to work (and thus returning to grace) bring a chance for us all to rest and have joy.
    Wishing you joy in the Work.

    David

    17 weeks 3 days ago
  • Sigre (not verified)

    Dear Katrina- Thorn reposted your blog and happy am I. Your passion, always so immense, comes blowing out in these words. So akin to my own heart and soul that it makes me have a bittersweet smile.

    The Storm is only now coming to the edges of our universe and yet it will sweep and consume all that is. In the end, our beautiful universe will be so much...more? Different? Complete? Who knows?

    All I do know is my soul came here to witness and be part in this period. I cannot shrink from the work. I am here with you, fae sister!

    17 weeks 5 days ago
  • Macha NightMare (not verified)

    Thought-provoking piece, Katrina. Thanks.

    I don't know what to call myself either. In Pagandom, I've taken to referring to myself as a Witch at Large. In the interfaith world where I'm active, I call myself a Pagan. Sometimes I call myself an uppity woman or a Second Wave Feminist. I've never really thought to publicly identify myself by my sexuality, het woman, which is very "white bread" and old-fashioned. Not only het, but serially monogamous for the most part. It seems almost a liability these days to say you're het, but I am proudly and happily so. I tend towards intellectualism but only have a BA, which doesn't carry much weight, at least in public and professional worlds, no matter how much you've studied, trained, and can articulate, even teach.

    My biological heritage is Irish, Dutch, French Huguenot, Euro-mongrel. My social heritage is Roman Catholic on one side and conservative Methodist, temperance-crusading, women's rights and education on the other, with distinct East Coast sensibilities, now mellowed by more than half a century living on the Left Coast. My maternal political heritage is conservative Republican (altho what my relatives might think of current trends in the GOP I cannot imagine, since they did have brains and they did think and they did have a social conscience), yet I am much farther left in my outlook than any elected official I know. My paternal political heritage is blue collar Democratic, except that my dad broke with his family on politics and allied with my mother's family's conservatism.

    I'm a former hippie, a home-birth advocate, a home death and green burial advocate, an opponent of capital punishment and resorting to warfare to resolve humankind's differences. I support the right to conscious self-deliverance. I rejoice in any and all consensual expressions of love and eros. I'm a lover and a mom.

    I have never missed voting in an election and I disrespect those who don't avail themselves of this hard-won right. (I have ancestors who fought the Brits in the American Revolution.) I support workers' rights. I recognize our interdependence on this planet, so could be called a greenie. I'm a committed environmentalist in my day-to-day life (in terms of eating locally grown food, expanding public transit, recycling, preserving open space and wildlife, opposing exploitation of natural resources [strip mining, oil-drilling, nuclear facilities, agribusiness, monocultures, clear-cutting timber, overuse of pesticides, genetic modification, etc.]) I want to make the city streets "safe for dancing," as my old friend Tony Serra said when he ran for mayor of SF on the Platypus Party ticket.

    Well, you got me going there, my friend. Thought-provoking read, as I said. ;-)

    xo,
    Macha

    34 weeks 2 days ago
  • Eridanus (not verified)

    Lovely azaleas!

    [cough][gag][snort][sneeze]

    Just lovely...

    I know what you mean.

    36 weeks 5 days ago
  • Anonymous (not verified)

    I feel you. There is too much bs- particularly when people decide that their temperament is tantamount to truthful and ignore everyone else.
    I get irked by immature extroverts or closet introverts who ignore you REPEATEDLY and then pretend you're out of line for being upset by the time they can't pretend you didn't say anything anymore. I find that the same people will ignore you if you blow up right away, too, and that it's because they just don't think that honoring what you value is important to maintaining a relationship, or even worse: that you don't know what you value at all and that it's all a mind game for their pleasure or annoyance. Then they call you passive-aggressive, aggressive, moody, touchy and temperamental. I call them "not listening".

    36 weeks 6 days ago